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Marriage Counsellor

A couple whose marriage was going on the rocks sought the advice of a marriage counsellor. The counsellor pleaded with them to patch up their quarrel, but they were adamant. "So," said the counsellor, "you know the consequences and you want to part. Remember this. You must divide your property equally."

The wife flared up. "You mean the $4,000 I have saved up? I must give him half? My money?"

"Yes," said the counsellor. "He gets $2,000. You get $2,000."

"What about my furniture? I paid for that."

"Same thing," answered the counsellor. "Your husband gets the bedroom and the living room; you get the dining room and the kitchen."

There was a challenging gleam in the wife's eye. "What about our three children?"

That stumped him. Shrewdly he assayed the situation, then he came up with a Solomonic answer. "Go back and live together until your fourth child is born. Then you take two children and your husband takes two."

The wife shook her head. "No, I'm sure that wouldn't work out. If I depended on him, I wouldn't have the three I got."

Here comes Frog Man

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Sacrifice Love For The Game

A man rushes into a Dentist's office accompanied with his wife.

The man pleaded to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one big of a hurry! I have two team partners sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. I can't wait for anesthetic to work and loose my precious time. So doc, forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it.

The dentist pondered to himself, "This sure is a strange strong patient asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain for the love of game."

So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth it is to pull?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show him your aching tooth."

Is This Big Enough

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Happy Couple

Once upon a time a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary. They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their period of 25 years. Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well known "happy going marriage".

Editor: " Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible? "

Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: "We had been to Shimla for honeymoon after marriage. Having selected the horse riding finally, we both started the ride on different horses. My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one. On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over. Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said "This is your first time".

She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again. This time she again kept calm and said "This is your second time" and continued.

When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out the revolver from the purse and shot the horse dead !!

I shouted at my wife: "What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?"

She gave a silent look and said: "This is your first time!!!"

Husband: "That's it. We are happy ever after."

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First Night

Michael and Mary got married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Michael's mom and dad's for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Michael's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Michael and Mary are up yet.

She replies, "No".

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school!"

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Michael and Mary up yet?"

She replies, "No."

Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school!"

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Michael and Mary up yet?"

His mom says, "No."

He asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think?"

He says: "Last night Michael came to my room for the Vaseline and I think..... I gave him my airplane glue!"

Hands Up Baby

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Identity of a Sardar

A man was brought in to the hospital intensive care ward, put in a bed, tubes coming out everywhere. A week later, another man was admitted, in a similar condition.

Both lay there, machines pinging, tubes poking etc. a couple more weeks before one of them had the strength to raise his hand and point to himself and say, "Bengali."

The other patient signaled he had heard, raised his own hand, and said, "Punjabi."

This act tired them out so badly it was a week before the first summoned up the strength to say, "Calcutta."

Other replied in a weedy frail voice, "Ludhiana."

Once more, the strain was too much for them both and they passed out. Days passed before the first patient managed to again point to himself and say, "Asit."

Replied the other, "Santa."

A few hours later, Asit managed to point to himself again and rasp out weakly, "Cancer."

Santa responded, "Sagittarius."

Parrot or something else

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Thief will still be there

Santa Singh was shifting his residence. He was packing his belongings. By midnight hewas too tired and dozed off with the house door open.

A sound woke him up. A thief was packing valuables. Banta Singh found it very amusing; the thief was doing the job for him! "When this smart guy finishes packing, I will catch him". Banta was a hefty guy; so when the burglar finished packing, Banta Singh jumped on him and tied him up.

Then he went to the police station and reported the matter. "What did you do to the thief"?

"I tied his hands; you come and collect him". "I hope you tied his legs too". Banta Singh felt a cold feeling in his spine; he had forgotten about the legs. He sat down for a while. Then he cheered up and said, "Inspector Sab, the thief, he will still be there".

"How do you know"?

Zipped Mouth Frog

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The Bihari And The Sardar

One day there was a Bihari going in a Fiat Car at 45kmph on a high way and enjoying his drive. Suddenly a Sardaji came Booiiiinnnnnnnnnn on a Honda and peeped into the car and shouted at the Bihari - 'Kabhi Honda chalaya kya?' and sped off.

The Bihari was surprised but he did not bother. After some time the Sardarji came Booiiiinnnnnnnnnn in the opposite direction, peeped into the car and shouted again 'kabhi honda chalaya kya?' and sped off. This time the Bihari was annoyed, since the sardar was teasing about his driving. After some time again the Sardar came back speeding and said the same thing peeping into the car. The Bihari was about to say something but the Sardar sped off.

This time the Bihari increased his speed but suddenly stopped as he found the Sardar lying on the road, bleeding. He got down and mocked at the sardar 'Kyon Sardarji, Kabhi Honda Chalaye kya?'

The sardar said 'Wohi to puch raha tha, Brakes kahaan hain dhoond raha tha!'

Funny Vegetables

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Three Dogs

One day a sardar is taking a walk with his three dogs.

A man comes and asks him, "Yaar! Your dogs are so nice and healthy. What are their names?"

So the sardar immediately answers, very Proudly,

"Harvinder Singh, Balvinder Singh and Sukhvinder Singh."

The man is impressed by the names and asks the sardar, "What's your name praji?

The sardar proudly replies, "Tommy."

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Swimming Not Allowed

An American tourist in Punjab walked into a beautiful deserted forest and found a lovely pool in it, and decided to go skinny-dipping. She looked around, didn`t see anyone, and undressed and just as she was about to dive in, Santa appeared from behind the bushes where he was hiding all along and said,

"Madam! Swimming not allowed!"

"You could have told me that before I took off my clothes!" the American woman scolded him.

Santa replied, "Madam, only swimming not allowed, taking off clothes allowed!"

Strawberry or Dinosaur

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Respectable Female

Jenny was explaining to her husband how much fun they'd had at the beach during her bridge club annual outing. "But," she told him, "it didn't end all that great for me."

"Why, what happened?" he asked.

"I went out to take a swim in the rough water but I didn't go out far because the waves were very bad. Then I suddenly noticed that all the turbulence had caused the lower half of my bathing suit to be snatched off. I looked and looked for it but it was gone, gone, gone!"

"For goodness sakes, sweetie, what did you do?"

"Do? Why I did what any respectable female would do. I covered my face and eyes with my hands and ran to the beach house as fast as I could."

My father began teaching business classes at the local prison through a community college. On his first night of class, he started a chapter on banking. During the course of his lecture, the subject of ATMs came up and he mentioned that, on average, most machines contain only about $1,500 at a given time.

Just then, a man in the back raised his hand.

"I'm not trying to be disrespectful," he told my father, "but the machine I robbed had about $3,000 in it."

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Modern Couple

Jack and his fiancee Jill were a modern couple, quite realistic about the state of marriage these days.

They met with the minister of the church to discuss their marriage vows.

"Pastor," said Jill, "we wonder if we could make a change in the wording of our ceremony."

"Yes, Jill," replied the pastor, "it is sometimes done. What do you have in mind?"

"Well," said Jill, "we'd like to alter the 'until death do us part' section to read, 'Substantial penalty for early withdrawal.'"

This is called Addiction

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He is my Ex-Husband

A married couple were sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.

The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies. "He's my ex-husband and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable" the husband replies. "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."

How about a Bike With Square Tyres

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The Sales Girl

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot.

One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them.

Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed she was selling drugs, and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"

He hadn't and said so.

Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.

The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

"Well? Is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly.

"No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

"Well? What is it, then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson."

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This is what we call Honeymoon

A redneck couple had just been married and went to an expensive hotel for their honeymoon.

The groom went to the front desk and asked for a room, saying, "This is a very special 'casion. It's our weddin' night and we need your BEST room with a strong bed."

The clerk winked and asked, "Do you want the bridal?"

The redneck fellow thought about it for a minute and then replied, "No, I guess not. I'll just hold on to her ears 'til she gets used to it."

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Signs that show You Are Not Romantic

9. You only have candle-lit dinners to save on electricity.

8. You go on romantic walks to take out the trash.

7. You buy her gifts with yourself in mind.

6. You celebrate your anniversary at a buffet.

5. You buy her flowers from the gas station.

4. All the ingredients for your romantic dinner come from a can.

3. You only buy her chocolate when it's on sale.

2. You always use "handyman" verbs in the bedroom.

1. You only kiss her as a prelude to sex.

Ever seen a Flying Elephant

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Latest Boyfriends

Two cuties were comparing notes concerning their latest boyfriends.

The first said, "He took me to his condo in Ocean City and showed me all these expensive jewels. There was an emerald-cut diamond of at least five carats, a tennis bracelet of six carats, and even a wrist watch with eleven carats."

"Impressive." said the second young thing.

"Well yes." the first agreed. "But the downside was that with all those carats, he expected me to behave like a rabbit."

I don’t need a plane

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Management and Engineers

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below.

She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am", replied the man.

"How did you know?"

"Well, answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip even more."

The man below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going.You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems?!!"

Camel in a Beer Bar

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Engineers and their thoughts

One day, a Mechanical Engineer, an Electrical Engineer, a Chemical Engineer and a Software Engineer were driving down the street in the same car.

The car broke down.

The Mechanical Engineer said, "I think a rod broke. We can check the rods."

The Chemical Engineer said, "The way it sputtered at the end, I don't think it's getting gas. We shall check the gas tank."

The Electrical Engineer said, "I think there was a spark and something is wrong with the electrical system. We shall check the circuitry."

All three turned to the computer engineer and said, "What do you think?"

The Computer Engineer said, "We shall get out of the car and get in again."

Here is your Camera with Phone

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Virtual Love

Bunny and Bob, two frequent users of a chat room, discovered that they had a lot in common. Eventually, they abandoned the chat room for a more intimate correspondence. After months of virtual kinkiness, the two decided to meet each other face-to-face at a small cafe.

Bunny arrived a little late. One customer, a short, frail man with an eye patch, sat at the back of the cafe.

"Are you Bob?" asked Bunny.

"Yes I am," said Bob.

"Unbelievable!" Bunny exclaimed. "You told me you were tall, dark and handsome."

"How do you think I feel?" Bob asked, his face turning red with shame. "You told me you were skinny, blonde, and female!"

Self Cleaning Tap is it yours??

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Happy Couple

Once upon a time a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary. They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their period of 25 years. Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well known "happy going marriage".

Editor: " Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible? "

Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: "We had been to Shimla for honeymoon after marriage. Having selected the horse riding finally, we both started the ride on different horses. My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one. On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over. Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said "This is your first time".

She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again. This time she again kept calm and said "This is your second time" and continued.

When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out the revolver from the purse and shot the horse dead !!

I shouted at my wife: "What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?"

She gave a silent look and said: "This is your first time!!!"

Husband: "That's it. We are happy ever after."

Here comes My Funny Friend

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Having An Affair

Three best friends are talking about problems at work. The first friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

The second friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under our bed and it wasn't mine."

The third friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse!" Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

I have got Built In Pen With Red Ink

Find your diaper chat room here

Ever heard about diaper chat city? Well, here yoy get instant access to diaper chat rooms. It is an easy to join and easy to use online forum for diaper chat. Once you go through an easy to fill sign up form and become a member you are given permission to enter active chatrooms. You can visit member profiles and photos. You can send private messages to other members of the forum and in return you too get messages as reply. In this way you become friends with others. And not only this, you can enjoy live diaper webcams.

So, if you are willing to be an active part of a diaper chat room, feel free to visit diaper chat city.

I see you are Getiing Married

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting Married?"

"Yep!"

"Do I know her?"

"Nope!"

"This woman, is she good looking?"

"Not really."

"Is she a good cook?"

"Naw, she can't cook too well."

"Does she have lots of money?"

"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."

"Well then, is she good in bed?"

"I don't know."

"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"

"Because she can still drive at night!"

I see you got a new bicycle

This creampie chatroom could be for you

If you love creampie chat than you will surely like to be a part of this forum. Creampie users from anywhere the world are joining cream pie chat city and are enjoying. Here you get free to join creampie chatrooms. After you become a member, you are 100% frre to search through cream pie chat member profiles. You can send them private messages and the same they do for you.

These forums are exciting and as an active member you will meet new friends. If you want to enjoy creampie webcams, feel free to visit this creampie chatroom. Enjoy yourself.

Its about Military Training

During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general.

"You simpleton!" the officer barked. "Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?"

"Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically. "But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice and I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches but when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say,

"Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' -that did it!"

Have you ever seen Mechanical Turtle

Your cfnm chat room here

People who are looking for cfnm chat rooms will just be happy to find this forum. At chnm chat city you get 100% free registration that allows cfnm chat with live cfnm webcams. At cfnm chat city, you can search through thousands of member profiles and photos. You can get into active chatrooms where you meet new friends. You are free to send and receive private messages.

If interested just visit this cfnm chat room and to explore more to enjoy. Getting indulged into this forum is very easy. You just need to sign up. And that too is free.

Doctors Never Laugh

Before the examination, Scott asked the doctor if they ever laughed at their patients' problems.

The Doctor replied 'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.

'Okay then,' Scott said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. I'm so sorry,' said the doctor. 'I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?'

It's swollen,' Scott replied.

Here comes Cloud Baby

Healthcare programs at Gurnick Academy of Medical Arts

Here is something good and worthful for those looking for a career program in medical technology. I came to know about Gurnick Academy of medical Arts basically located at San Mateo and having branches at Cancord, Fresno and Modesto. The medical school offers career focused education towards empowering students to develop and achieve their career potential.

The school offers variety of healthcare programs that include Vocational Nursing Program, Ultrasound Technology Program, Radiologic Technology Program, MRI Technology Program, Psychiatric Technician Program, Phlebotomy Technician Program among majors. Faculty members of the school are qualified medical professionals from the healthcare field. The school is committed to a rewarding and fulfilling career in healthcare field.

For further details you should visit their homepage.

Here comes The New Wife

It is a myth that when a son gets married and a new daughter-in-law arrives in the family, everything changes.

The new wife (progressive Indian woman), was being welcomed at the husband's home in a traditional manner.

As expected she gave a speech, "My dear family,I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family, firstly, my being here does not mean that I would want to change your way of life, your routine. No, I will never do that, never in a million years."

"What do you mean my child?" asked the father-in-law.

"What I mean dad is (looking at her in-laws); Those who used to wash the dishes must carry on washing them. Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it. Those who cooked should not stop at my account, AND Those who used to clean should continue cleaning !!!

"And what are you here for get married?" enquired the mother-in-law.

"AS FOR ME, I'M HERE JUST TO ENTERTAIN YOUR SON !!!"

Cheetah Riding a Bike

Posy Lane offers comfy Nap Mats

If you are out shopping unique and personalized gifts, Posy Lane could just be the place for you. It is a one stop solution to all your stationary needs and much more.

One of the most talked about item of Posy Lane is the toddler backpack made of quality mint and are available in variable size and several colors. Apart from this you may also find the unique collection of nap mats really interesting. These nap mats comes in a complete pack of soft fleece blanket and removable foam pillow and the comfy mat.

Another item of Posy lane which is in hot demand is the Mint insulated lunch tote which are insulated with bubble foil and made of soft sturdy nylon. They measures 9 inches by 6 inches by 6 inches and comes at a cost of just $15.75.

Apart from this there are several other stationary and personalized gift items available at Posy Lane. To know about the complete list of products, Posy Lane has on offer you may pay a visit to its site.

Two Things in Business

"Always remember," said the businessman to his son, "there are two things that will ensure your success in business."

"What are they?" the son asked.

The businessman replies, "Integrity and wisdom."

"Integrity?" the son asks.

"That's right son. No matter how it may be to your detriment, no matter what your colleagues or the board may say, ALWAYS keep your word once you have given it."

"And wisdom?" the son asks.

The father smiles and winks and says, "Don't be a horse's ass, never give your word."

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