How To Change Your Oil

Women:

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.

2. Drink a cup of coffee.

3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Men:

1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.

2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.

3. Open a beer and drink it.

4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7. Place drain pan under engine.

8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

10. Unscrew drain plug.

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.

12. Clean up.

13. Have another beer while oil is draining.

14. Look for oil filter wrench.

15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.

16. Beer.

17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.

18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.

19. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.

20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.

23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24. Remember drain plug from step 11.

25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.

27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.

28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.

29. Begin cussing fit.

30. Throw wrench.

31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December(1992) in the left boob.

32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.

33. Beer.

34. Beer.

35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.

36. Beer.

37. Lower car from jack stands.

38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.

39. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 23.

40. Drive car.

carsmanwomanoil

The Man Bra

boobsbrabreastmanwifewoman

If Microsoft were GM

Microsoft should make cars, GM should make software:

At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart; in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same back-end size.

9. The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.

10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.

carscomputersgeneral motorsGM
microsoftsoftware

Creative Advertising

advertising

viralink-to-increase-page-rank

Hi Friends...!!
Here is another spin-off of the link train. I have to admit, I am impressed with the novelty of the scheme! Great cool job Andy! For us new bloggers, it could be quite beneficial for long term SEO reasons. It’s very straight forward and could bring in a nice haul of backlinks if everyone uses it right.
It’s called ViraLink (great name!) and was masterminded by Andy Coates. Be sure to read the post about it over at his blog, as you may not understand it at first, but I assure you this could be a nice little link builder here. Instructions below:

———copy and paste the Viralink and instructions below this line———
Below is a matrix of 120 stars, I have already added a link to my blog onto one of the stars, all you need to do is copy and paste the grid into your blog and add your own link to one of the other spare stars, and tell others to do the same!

Viralink
********************

********************

********************

********************

********************

********************


New Addition: When I receive a ping back once you have added the Viralink to your site I will add your link to this grid, and each person who copies the grid from here will also link to your site!
———copy and paste the Viralink and instructions above this line———

Rules:
No Porn Sites
Only 1 link per person (i.e don’t hog the viralink!)
Please don’t tamper with other peoples url’s
Enjoy guys!
This will definitely keep those love links flowing!
And I kid you not!

What Kind Of Farter You Are?

*Vain: You love the smell of your own farts.

*Amiable: You love the smell of other people's farts.

*Proud: You think your farts are exceptionally fine.

*Shy: You release silent farts and then blush.

*Impudent: You boldly fart out loud and then laugh.

*Unfortunate: You try really hard to fart, but you poop instead.

*Scientific: You fart regularly but you're concerned about pollution.

*Nervous: You stop in the middle of your fart.

*Honest: You admit that you farted but offer good medical reasons.

*Dishonest: You fart and then blame the dog.

*Foolish: You suppress your farts for hours.

*Thrifty: You always keep a couple of good farts in reserve.

*Anti-Social: When the need arises, you excuse yourself from the room and fart in private.

*Strategic: You fart and then conceal it with loud coughing.

*Sadistic: You fart in bed and then pull the cover up over your partner's head.

*Intellectual: You can determine from the smell of any fart exactly what food item had been consumed.

*Athletic: You fart at the slightest exertion.

*Miserable: You would love to let one out, but you are unable to fart.

*Sensitive: You fart and then start crying.

fartfartingjokesmanwoman

Horny Dog

curiousdogsfashionhornywoman

Four Sophomores

At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They did so well on all the quizzes, mid-terms, and labs, etc., that each had an "A" for the semester.
These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to drive up to Charlottesville to the University of Virginia and party with some friends up there. They had a great time. However, after all the hard partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.
The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points, something simple about free radical formation.
"Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "This is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page.
On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire was flat?
collegesophomorestudent

Spare Some Change

dogstrampbegging

Just Smile

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
~~~~~

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
~~~~~

How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
Three, if you slice them very thinly.
~~~~~

What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and a Jackass to pay for it all.
~~~~~

What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.
~~~~~

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.
~~~~~

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
~~~~~

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
~~~~~

What's a man's idea of a romantic evening?
A candlelit football stadium.
~~~~~

What's the best way to kill a man?
Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
~~~~~

What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
Big Foot has been spotted several times.
~~~~~

When would you care for a man's company?
When he owns it.
~~~~~

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
~~~~~

Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
~~~~~
jokeslaughsmileman

Baby & Barbie

babybabiesbarbiekisslove

The Sins of Three Nuns

There are three nuns and a Mother Superior. The Mother Superior tells the three nuns that before they can receive their Saint name they had one final test. She told them to go commit one sin so that they would not have urges to be bad.
After the three nuns return, the Mother Superior says, "Did you commit your sins?" They all shake their heads yes. The first two nuns are crying, the third is giggling.
The Mother Superior says to the first one, "What sin did you commit child?"
The first nun answers with tears in her eyes. "I was just rotten, I picked flowers from someone's garden."
The Mother Superior says, "Go drink the Holy Water and it will be alright." The third nun is dancing around in laughter.
The Mother Superior asks the second one. Her whole body is shaking and she is crying. "I stole candy from a baby."
The Mother Superior says, "My child, drink the Holy Water and you are forgiven.
The third nun falls on the floor hysterically laughing. The Mother Superior is disgusted and asks, "What are you laughing at?"
The third nun is barely able to answer through her tears of laughter, "I peed in the Holy Water."
jokesnunssin

Save The Whale

fartfartingfartingwoman

The Perks of Being 40 & Over

*Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

*In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

*No one expects you to run into a burning building.

*People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

*There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

*Things you buy now won't wear out.

*You can eat dinner at 4 PM.

*You can live without sex but not without glasses.

*You enjoy hearing arguments about pension plans.

*You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

*You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

*You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

*You sing along with elevator music.

*Your eyes won't get much worse.

*Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

*Your joints are a more accurate meteorologist than the national weather service.

*Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

*Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

funny jokesjokesold age

Don't Mix Beer & Viagra

beerviagra

Qn & Ar

Q: Why do women have smaller feet then men?
A: So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Q: Why do men pass more gas than women do?
A: Because women don't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, which do you let in first?
A: The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.

funny jokesjokes

Made For Each Other

dogsdatingromance

Words Women Use

Vocabulary Lesson For Men:

Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with '"Nothing" usually end in "Fine."

Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."

That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.

Whatever: It's a woman's way of saying -U-- --U.
jokesmanvocabularyvocabswifewoman

Anti-Gravity Cat

antigravitycatsgravity

Top 10 Things Only Women Understand

10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One thing...
1. Other women.
girlwifewomanjokes

Never Go For Dieting

bikinidietingmodelmodelling

Love Principles

Romance Mathematics
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
~~~~~

Shopping Maths
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
~~~~~

General Equations & Statistics
*A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
*A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
*A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
*A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
~~~~~

Happiness
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
~~~~~

Longevity
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
~~~~~

Memory
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
~~~~~

Propensity To Change
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
~~~~~

Discussion Technique
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
~~~~~

Comprehension
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
~~~~~
affairjokeshumourlifelovemarriageromancewoman

X-ray Bag

buttgirlmodernwomanX-rayfashion

Kidnapping

There was this blonde who needed money badly. She then decides to kidnap a little boy. She finds a boy then she brings him to the playground, She explains to him that she has kidnapped him for money, then she writes a ransom note saying that she has kidnapped their son and she demanding $10,000 cash. She wants it in a brown paper bag under the pear tree in the park, The blonde signs the letter THE BLONDE!! She then pins the letter to the boys chest and sends him home...
The next day the blonde goes to the pear tree to find the brown bag under the tree with the $10,000 in it with a note that reads... How could you do this sort of thing to a fellow Blonde??!!
blondekidnappingjokes

Finally Uncomfortable

beautifulblondeboobsbroken

Men Prefer Dogs Over Women

Few reasons why men prefer dogs over women:

Dogs love it when your friends come over.

Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.

Dogs think you sing great.

Dogs don't cry.

Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.

The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.

Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

Dogs are excited by rough play.

Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.

Dogs love red meat.

Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.

Anyone can get a good-looking dog.

If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

Dogs don't shop.

Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.

A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.

Dogs never need to examine the relationship.

A dog's parents never visit.

Dogs love long car trips.

Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.

Dogs like beer.

No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album.

No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.

Dogs never criticize.

Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

Dogs never expect gifts.

It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.

Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.

Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.

You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.

Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.

Dogs don't borrow your shirts.

Dogs never want foot-rubs.

Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
dogslovepetswoman

Golfer's Itch

golfitchitching

Pregnancy Humour

Pregnancy Questions & Answers:

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
humourpregnancywoman

Streaker Chase

catchgolfracestreaker

Man And Woman

Two new additions to Periodic Table of Elements:

First Element:

Element name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Available Atomic Weight: (25 to 250)
Ideally Accepted Weight: (45 to 65)

Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Second Element:

Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Available Atomic Weight: (35 to 350)
Ideally Accepted Weight: (55 to 85)

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO whenever it gets a chance. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: Child) for prolonged periods of time. Neutralizes by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: Not known. Possible good methane source. Good specimens are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
elementsfemalemalemanwoman

Clinton: The Early Years

clintoncuriousnaughty

You got an F in sex

A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. It is not polite."
"OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"Those are enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?"
And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."
driving licenselicense

Wait Up Homies

ducklingsducks

Wife And Mistress

A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful to him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later question each one on the other's behavior.
When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew to be his mistress. "She slept with nearly every man on the ship," his wife reported.
The disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife.
"She was a real lady," his mistress said.
"How so?" the encouraged man asked.
"She came on board with her husband and never left his side."
wifemistress

Best Way To Cheat

boobscheatingexams

Fallen In Love

A young man excitedly tells his mother that he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
"I don't like her."
love

My Kind Of Teacher

peepingteacher

Kids & Condoms

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see.", replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and ask, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men", the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy;" Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men, One for January, one for February, one for March..."
kidscondoms

Adam In The Garden Of Eden

One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he says, "Excuse me God, can I ask you a few questions?"
God replied, "Go on Adam, but be quick. I have a world to create."
So Adam says," When you created Eve, why did You make her body so curvy and tender unlike mine?"
"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."
"Oh, well then, why did You give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?"
"I did that Adam so that you could love her."
"Oh, well then, why did You make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?"
"Well Adam, No. I did that so that she could love you."

One Way To Get A Date

Just Divorced

A ninety-year-old couple decide to get a divorce. They go to the judge and say, "Judge, we want a divorce."
The judge says, "You've been married 70 years and now you want to get a divorce? Why did you wait so long?"
The couple say in unison, "Well, we wanted to wait until the kids were dead."
~~~~~

We were very happily married for eight months.
Unfortunately, we were married for ten years!
~~~~~

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
~~~~~

A guy slices his ball in the woods and goes in to look for it. He meets a girl from the next fairway looking for her ball. They start to chat and have a wonderful little conversation. She suddenly says to him, " You know... you look like my third husband.
"He says, "Oh yeah?", and then asks her how many times she's been married.
"Twice," she replies.
~~~~


I must admit, you brought religion in my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
~~~~

Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.
~~~~~

You know it's a bad day when your blind date is your ex-wife.
~~~~~


Eighty percent of married men cheat in America.
The rest cheat in Europe.
~~~~~

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
~~~~~

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He says, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Las Vegas. I heard ladies-of-the-night there get paid $500 for doing what I do for you for free."
Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm going to Las Vegas, too. I want to see you live on $1000 a year."
~~~~~
divorcejust divorcedmarriage jokes

Soccer Fouls

footballfoulspenaltysoccer

Divorce Humour

Definition of Divorce: The future tense of marriage.
~~~~~

Question: Why is divorce so expensive?
Answer: Because it's worth it.
~~~~~

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn't.
~~~~~

Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
~~~~~

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage.
~~~~~

Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.
~~~~~

90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house.
10% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife.
~~~~~

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
~~~~~


Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
~~~~~

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing ....
and then they marry him.
~~~~~
divorcedivorce humourmarriagemarriage jokes

School Dress Code

dress codeschool dressfashion

Resist Your Laugh

If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
~~~~~

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
~~~~~

I bought my wife a new car.
She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor."
I said, "Where's the car?"
She said, "In the lake."
~~~~~

Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.
~~~~~

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
~~~~~

A young man was about to be married, but he had a question he needed answered. He first went to his Mother and asked, "Mom, why do women wear white dresses on their wedding day?"
His Mother replied, "It represents purity, and virginity."
The young man thanks his Mom but kinda doubts her word, so he goes to his Father. "Dad, why do women wear white dresses on their wedding day?"
His Father looks at him earnestly and says, "My boy, all appliances come in white."
~~~~~

One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he says, "Excuse me God, can I ask you a few questions?"
God replied, "Go on Adam, but be quick. I have a world to create."
So Adam says," When you created Eve, why did You make her body so curvy and tender unlike mine?"
"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."
"Oh, well then, why did You give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?"
"I did that Adam so that you could love her."
"Oh, well then, why did You make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?"
"Well Adam, No. I did that so that she could love you."
~~~~~
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Time For Hair Cut

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Seven Stages Of The Married Cold

1st year -- The husband says, "Oh, sweetie pie, I'm really worried about those nasty sniffles you have! There's no telling what that could turn into with all the strep that's been going around. I'm going to take you right down to the hospital and have you admitted for a couple days of rest. I know the food is lousy there, so I'm going to bring you some takeout from China Garden. I've already arranged it with the head nurse."

2nd year -- "Listen, honey, I don't like the sound of that cough. I called the doc and he's going to stop by here and take a look at you. Why don't you just go on to bed and get the rest you need?"

3rd year -- "Maybe you better go lie down, darling. When you feel lousy you need the rest. I'll bring you something--do we have any canned soup around here?"

4th year -- "No sense wearing yourself out when you're under the weather. When you finish those dishes and the kids' baths and get them to bed, you ought to go to bed yourself!"

5th year -- "Why don't you take a couple aspirin?"

6th year -- "You oughta go gargle or something, instead of sitting around barking like a dog!"

7th year -- "For Pete's sake, stop sneezing. Are you trying to give me pneumonia? You'd better pick up some tissues while you're at the store."
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Guess The Winner

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It's great to be a woman

Here are top reasons why it's great to be a woman:

1. Free drinks.

2. Free dinners.

3. Free movies.

4. New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.

5. If you're not making enough money you can blame the glass ceiling.

6. You can sleep your way to the top.

7. You can sue the President for sexual harassment.

8. It's possible to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower.

9. No fashion faux pas you make could rival The Speedo.

10. No one passes out when you take off your shoes.

11. Excitement is only as far away as the nearest beauty-supply store.

12. If you forget to shave, no one has to know.

13. If you're dumb, some people will find it cute.

14. You have the ability to dress yourself.

15. If you marry someone twenty years younger, you're aware that you look like an idiot.

16. You can quickly end any fight by crying.

17. Your friends won't think you're weird if you ask whether there's spinach in your teeth.

18. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

19. You'll never regret piercing your ears.

20. You can fully assess a person just by looking at his shoes.

21. You know which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.

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